I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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