Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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