life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
