Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
