Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
