Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
