He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
