i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize