Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
