Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
