That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize