I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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