Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
