So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
