that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Is it penis luge time yet?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
