his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize