I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
