What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
