I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
