I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I am spending my child support on dildos
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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