too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
