I wish life had little blips of pornography
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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