I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
