If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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