I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
