I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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