her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
