I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
