I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
