I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
