He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
