I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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