I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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