My brain says no but my pants say off.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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