she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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