So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
