why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
