so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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