I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
