At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
