apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
