dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
