my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
