Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
