I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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