I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
