he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
