If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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