Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
