Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
