Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
farters have to be the big spoon...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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