if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
