Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
