I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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