Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
