just survived the first fart of the relationship.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
