He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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