2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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